Swooning
by BooBack
Summary: ONESHOT. McGonagall's drunk, Hermione is misusing words, Draco gets hit with an unfortunate spell and Harry's father is who? Parody.


**Disclaimer: I don't own the characters or anything that has to do with Harry Potter. I don't even own the plot bunny for this. It was a requirement story that my friend made up.**

**A/N: My friend gave me ten requirements that I had to incorporate in a story and I was supposed to use seven of them, I used all ten and they are listed at the end. **

**Swooning**

"Hey Harry, did you go swooning last weekend?" Ron cried out from down the hall.

"Yeah Ron, I got swooned off my ass," Harry replied with a smile.

"I was so swooned it wasn't even funny," Ron said.

"I know, you were swooning so bad when you started fondling that cow," Harry smirked.

"It had big udders!" Ron said with a smile.

"Ron, I think you mean _utters,_" Hermione put in.

Ron and Harry stared at her blankly.

"No, I mean _udders,_" Ron said.

Hermione just closed her mouth and looked down at the ground.

"I guess she didn't get swooned," Ron said offhandedly to Harry.

As the stood talking in the hall a very tipsy Professor McGonagall walked up to them. "Hello students," she slurred. "Want a bit of firewhiskey?" she commented, holding the nearly empty bottle in her hand. Her tight bun had come unraveled and her gray hair was falling in waves down her face.

"Sure!" Hermione piped up. She grabbed the bottle from McGonagall and put it to her mouth when it was suddenly snatched away.

"You shouldn't be drinking, you know what happened last time," Harry said.

"Just because I belated the idiot at the post office…"

"Hermione, I think you mean _berated,_" Ron said.

"Well, that stupid man wouldn't let me deliver the package because he was a dumb ass!"

"Hermione, you were trying to send a cow with wings to your _dead_ grandmother," Harry said.

"_Rictusempra_!" McGonagall cried suddenly, pointing her wand past the group of children. She was so drunk that she slurred the word and as it hit Draco Malfoy he stood stock still with a look of pure pleasure on his face.

"Granger, you look really hot today," he said.

"Go away, Malfoy," Hermione said as he walked up to her and started to fondle her. "Go away!"

"N-n-no!" he stuttered. He had no idea why he had done that, so he covered it up by kissing Hermione forcefully.

Hermione pushed him away. "I said get off me!" Hermione screamed.

"I w-would rather g-get off t-to you," he said, trying to control his stutter.

"No, I don't want to conjugate with you," she said.

"_Copulate_?" he asked, trying to figure out her word usage.

"You knew what I meant," she said angrily.

"Where did you get this pretty ribbon dear?" McGonagall slurred, fingering the pink ribbon in Hermione's hair lovingly.

"The bartender gave it to me last weekend when we went swooning," Hermione said.

"Harry!" McGonagall suddenly exclaimed loudly. "I have a secret to tell you," she said in a low voice.

"What's that?" Harry asked, uninterested.

"James wasn't your father," she smiled, then she giggled like a little child that was withholding information.

"Spill the barns!" Hermione screamed, still trying to fend off the stuttering, fondling Draco Malfoy.

"Beans!" Harry, Ron and Draco yelled.

"You _know _what I mean," Hermione said angrily.

"Dumbledore sired you," McGonagall said in a singsong voice.

"What!" Harry asked loudly.

"He _swooned _Lily," Minerva said in a soft voice.

"But I look just like my father, everyone says so!"

"Albus is 150, you don't think he had black hair when he was a child?" McGonagall slurred.

"But-but-NO!"

"I don't have a left foot!" Ron screamed out suddenly.

"What?" everyone asked, even pulling Draco away from lovingly admiring Hermione's 'pretty' eyebrows.

"When I broke my leg in third year, Pomfrey had to take my foot. I never told anyone until now. It's fake, like in Star Wars."

"What's Star Wars?" Draco asked.

"Never mind," Ron complained loudly.

"Well," McGonagall said. "I would love to stay and chat, but I have to go find my mother."

"Come b-back to my r-room?" Draco asked Hermione.

"NO!" she cried. "I'm not going to protozoa with you!"

"PROCREATE!" they all yelled.

"Whatever!" she said, walking away from the three boys.

"Hey, do you want to get swooned?" Harry asked the other two boys.

"Yes, let's get swooned off our asses," Ron said and they walked away towards the kitchens.

**The End**

Requirements:

Incorporate a magically enhanced cow

Alcohol consumed by one character only

Severed body part

Much misused wordage

Dumbledore is Harry's father, news must be shocking

Pink ribbons

A non-sexual Hermione fighting off an enchanted Draco

Draco develops a stutter when accidentally enchanted

Must show how crappy Postal service is

Whole story based around everyone misinterpreting the word Swoon


End file.
